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Feature Article: Conversations About What Matters Most
In the inaugural issue of Conversations on Leadership and Life
I wrote about re-imagining
work to create a sense of purpose and greater fulfillment to our work and our lives. Many of you wrote back that the message encouraged you to embark on your own journey of
re-imagining your work and life. Others have told me that they are having difficulty re-imagining the
future amid the chaos, fear and despair in our world. In this time of great national discord, exaggerated by the angry
political debate that has swirled around us for months, it is difficult if not impossible to imagine that simple conversation
can restore our hope in the future. Yet that is precisely what Margaret Wheatley proposes in her book, Turning to One Another.
Her desire to reclaim conversation as our route through the turmoil that separates us and back to each other is profound in its
simplicity. Is it possible? Can we create a new and more hopeful future by sitting down together and talking about what
we truly care about - our worries, our hopes, what brings us joy..really listening with our hearts and our minds to others
whose viewpoint is different from our own?
While I truly believe that through conversation powerful change can take place,
I often find myself backing away from taking on tough issues especially with those
I care about most. Let me share a recent experience that caused me to see my
own reluctance to engage in difficult conversations. For twelve years I have been a
member of a women's group. We have shared much, yet curiously, we avoid
discussing politics. We seem to fear what will happen to our group if we surface our political differences.
At a recent meeting, we tiptoed into a discussion of the election and as soon
as several differences of opinion were expressed, someone actually said it was
easier and more fun to talk about the Cirque de Soleil performance she had seen
the night before. The rest of us quickly agreed and we abandoned that more
difficult and potentially rich conversation. What a missed opportunity to listen, to
learn, to demonstrate respect, and to deepen our connection. Why then do we
avoid having these conversations and what would be gained if we chose to do
otherwise? At our next meeting, I intend to encourage a conversation to explore
what happened and what we can learn from our experience.
This kind of thing happens all the time at work. The divisive, difficult topic may
not be about politics, but about differing perspectives on how to solve a problem
or make an important decision. Difficult conversations can be about anything and
happen when the issues are important and the outcome uncertain-whenever we
feel vulnerable or our self-esteem is implicated. All too often, personalities clash,
people take sides and productivity plunges. Reflecting on my own behavior, I want
to be able exhibit the kind of individual leadership that I believe can make a
difference on many levels. I continue to work at becoming a better communicator,
dropping my own need to convince others of my own position, and to listen
respectfully with deep appreciation for other viewpoints. Creating a new and
different future for ourselves as individuals, for our organizations, for our
community requires individual and collective acts of leadership. This is a
leadership responsibility that each of us can assume within our own sphere of
influence - opening the dialogue, reaching out, connecting, expanding our perspective.
Leadership Lessons - Conversations about Difference
It is primarily through conversation that powerful cultural change can take place.
People in conversation create connection, develop understanding, discover creativity, and form commitment to action.
From A Practical Guide to Working with Diversity by Joy Leach, Bette George,
Arleen LaBella and Tina Jackson
Valuing and leveraging the rich diversity of ideas, background, experience and
perspectives present in organizations is a complex and challenging endeavor,
and conversation is the way to make it happen. Wise leaders know this. In order
to survive in this movable world, companies must engage in conversations with
their people - authentic, honest conversation that somehow brings for the
precious creative qualities that lie within the individual. In my work, I am called on
to help groups come together, heal old wounds, become strong, get the job
done. I have facilitated difficult conversations about differences of all
kinds...differences of race, gender, cultural background; differences of
perspective, opinion and learning style. People often resist having these
conversations-sometimes because they don't know how to talk about differences
or they fear that focusing on differences will have a polarizing effect. We are
taught to move into action quickly, glossing over differences we deem unimportant
or assuming agreement that does not exist thus missing the opportunity for
stronger teamwork and better solutions. Yet real change begins with the simple
act of people talking about what they care about. I encourage you to step out there
as a leader of an important conversation at work, at home, in your community.
Inspiring people to create a fundamentally new future is the way accomplished
leaders achieve results. Here are some ways to begin.
TIPS, TOOLS AND PRACTICES Recipes for Powerful Conversations
Each issue of this newsletter will feature recipes for conversation to help you
create a powerful sense of direction for yourself, your organization, your
community, and to take action to get where you want to go.
Dialogue and Discussion
Dialogue can be a path to greater wisdom and learning. Why dialogue and not
discussion? We often use the words interchangeably, yet there is an intriguing
distinction between the two. The root of the word dialogue comes from the Greek word dia meaning "through" and logos meaning "the word." The word discussion stems from the Latin discutere meaning to "smash to pieces!" Discussion, the
typical conversation used to problem-solve, promotes advocacy of a particular position, one-upmanship. Dialogue is a collaborative rather than adversarial process. It is a future-oriented
conversation that generates new meaning and knowledge among participants. It requires the willingness to truly
accept another point of view as worthy of consideration.
How willing and able are you to do this?
Practicing Dialogue
Dialogue suggests that the conversation be kept open with questions and great listening in order to build shared meaning.
1. Use the guidelines below to encourage the conversation, explore differences, open up possibilities. Notice
how others are responding and make adjustments accordingly.
2. Examine your conversations later. What worked? What did not and why? How consistently are you able to
apply these guidelines?
- Pay attention to your intention:
Be willing to be influenced by another's point of view.
- That's interesting. I can see why you came to that conclusion?
- Adopt an attitude of learning: Be curious rather than judgmental and all-knowing.
- Am I correct that you are saying...
- Balance advocacy and inquiry:
Provide a balance that leads to real understanding and true communication.
- Can you help me understand your thinking here?
- Here's what I think. Do you see it differently?
- Be willing to suspend assumptions:
Examine and acknowledge your assumptions and biases. Others are
usually more aware of our assumptions than we are and less aware of our intentions.
- What am I missing here?
- Help me see the flaw in my thinking?
- Listen as an ally and a colleague:
Stop talking, don't interrupt. Resist the temptation to jump in with
evaluation, judgment, critical or disparaging comments. To ensure understanding, rephrase what the other
person has just told you. Listen between the lines.
Adapted from The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook
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Authentic Listening
Listening creates relationship. Simply listening to
someone, silently and fully listening, is one of the most healing acts there is.
Be truly present for someone else.
"Hear" the underlying emotions, fears, concerns.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Listen with generosity rather than judgment.
Be open to learning.
Adapted from Leadership from the Inside Out & Turning to One Another
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Newsflash Jargon Alert!
Are you communications as revolutionary and robust as they should be? A new guide for improving your business
communication by three former Deloitte execs called Why Business People Speak Like Idiots identifies four traps of
corporate speak: obscurity (death by jargon), anonymity (death by templates), hard sell (death by perpetual sales
mode), and irrelevance (death by generalization). What's interesting is that the book introduces its own jargon, such
as "verbal obesity." HA! Once a consultant always a consultant!
Fast Company, November 2004
In Her Own Words: A Lesson in Re-Framing (Sometimes the powerful conversation must
be with ourselves)
In a coaching session with Bette I said, "This is a year when I feel like all of my roots are being pulled up." I continued
with this long list of upsetting happenings. It all began when a tree fell on my garage in the January ice storm. It took
five months to get a new garage built. My neighbors of ten years moved away. A good friend began divorce
proceedings; another close friend quit her job and began graduate school. Two friends retired and began monthly
extensive travel. At work, we conducted a reduction in force, and my role began changing. When I finished telling
Bette all of this, she very simply said "why don't you try reframing these events?" Over a week, I did that and a new
garage allowed me to refinance my house and pay for a new car. My neighbors moving opened the opportunity for a
new friendship with my new single neighbor. My friend in graduate school has an apartment in Atlanta, so we can go
to the theater, and I have a free place to stay. My year of my roots being pulled up became a watershed year. Perhaps
I was root-bound and needed room to grow. Rosie Messer
© 2004 Bette George & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved.
Feel free to forward this newsletter to others. Permission to reprint or reproduce in a newsletter, publication, or by an
electronic means is granted, provided that it includes this notice: "Copyright 2004 by Bette George & Associates, Inc.
From Conversations on Leadership and Life
, an e-newsletter by Bette George, website: www.bettegeorge.com
email: bette@bettegeorge.com."
Conversations on Leadership and Life is a bi-monthly e-newsletter written by Bette George of Bette George &
Associates. In each issue, Bette offers best practice tips and resources, innovative ideas and inspiration to help you
begin to create the change you want to see in yourself, your workplace, your community.
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