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Feature Article: The Myth of Work/Life Balance
For many years, I have been frustrated by the conversation around "work-life
balance," a utopian state that seems just out of reach for so many people. Like Tantalus reaching for the golden apple, the work-life balance ideal compels us to try
to accomplish everything all at once, all the time, and with perfection. The result is that we are stressed, unhappy and guilty that we have missed the mark
somehow. In fact, the pursuit of this idealized state can actually be destructive as we desperately try to juggle the myriad demands of our busy lives. Is
there a more realistic and healthy way to lead our lives?
In an article in Fast Company, Keith Hammonds claims that the central
myth of the modern workplace is that "with a few compromises, you can have it all." He proposes that balance is a relic of the past and not applicable to the global,
knowledge-based world in which we live. "Instead of trying to balance all of our commitments and passions at any one time, let's acknowledge that anything important,
and anything done well, demands our full investment. At times, it may be a demanding child and the office may suffer. At other times, it may be meeting a big
deadline and the family will have to fend for themselves. Only over time can we really balance our whole portfolio of diverse experiences."
So re-thinking the concept of work/life balance can help us gain a new, more realistic perspective about how to manage the flow of our lives. A useful idea is to think of your life as a rich, cyclical story made up of chapters we design to fit the current circumstance. As we move through our life, we keep our balance by learning to find our Center - the "balance" that occurs when there is a healthy flow of energy and attention in the Four Domains of the Self. The four domains - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual -
are distinct, yet inseparable. They are evidenced by moods, energy fluctuations, health, and mental state. Rather than trying to be a master juggler, we can become resilient by experiencing and using our Center.
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Understanding Center: Useful Concepts from Richard Strozzi Heckler
- Center is a bodily and energetic base camp for the self.
- Center is more than an idea. It is an embodied experience that can be felt, and that can be used as a way
to focus, learn, and move through transitions.
- Centering is not confined to a certain posture or constantly held image. It is an inner subjective state
that is manifested through the body.
- Center is a reference point to return to so that we can relate to our situation in a more complete way.
The state of center is always available, despite our posture, physical handicaps, or environment.
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Leadership Lessons - Keeping Our Balance
"Everyone knows when a leader is out of balance. People hesitate in the presence of an unbalanced leader. People follow a leader in balance."
John Hetterick, former President of Tonka
and CEO of Rollerblade
In his bestseller Leadership from the Inside Out, Kevin
Cashman states that balance is no longer a luxury, but a matter of survival for leaders. He suggests that we use nature as a model for
finding more balance in our lives, observing the unfolding cycles of the seasons, of day and night, to see the perfect balance of a rest
phase and an active phase. Nature expresses vitality in the active and renewal in the rest phase. We human beings have to make choices about the quantity of our activity and the quality of our rest.
When we choose unwisely, life is out of whack.
Most imbalance comes from two major sources: We overdo
our activity and we underdo our rest. The formula to foster more balance in our lives, therefore is to:
- Improve the quality of our activity and reduce the quantity somewhat.
- Improve the quantity and quality of rest.
The ten points of Balance Mastery can help us center our lives in an integrated, holistic way.
Ten Balance Points for Leaders (fr. Leadership from the Inside Out, Cashman)
- Be On-purpose, and Be Aware
Purpose is the balance point that allows us to achieve with
ease. Be careful that passionate purpose doesn't lead you to overdo.
- Learn to Exercise with Ease
Enjoy exercise that is rejuvenating and enjoyable-not difficult drudgery.
- Deal with Life-damaging Habits
- Avoid Taking Yourself Too Seriously
Humor and lightheartedness balance mind, body, and spirit.
- Develop Mind-Body Awareness
Our body is our primary feedback mechanism to reveal the
positive or negative impact of our thoughts, emotions, or choices. Attend to our body's messages. It speaks through our energy. It talks through fatigue.
- Manage Stress More Effectively
These three questions can help you determine where to
place your energy and attention. What can I Control? What can I Influence? What must I Accept?
- Nurture Your Close Relationships
Few things in life can instantaneously balance us as quickly
as love. Close relationships can be our anchors. A difficult day can be put in perspective by the innocence and pure love of a child.
- Simplify Your Life
Understanding and living our lives consistent with what is
really important to us is the underlying principle for simplifying life. Ask yourself :
- Is it possible that my focus on satisfying my wants (versus needs) is complicating my life unnecessarily?
- Is my pursuit of wants taking me away from the life I really hope to live?
- Am I living on-purpose?
If the answer is no to any of these, take some small steps. Simplify your life by making choices that
support the vision of the life you really want to live.
- Take Real Vacations
Get real rest.rather than fill it up with even more stimulation and activity.
Try to gain some life perspective by going to a health spa, a retreat, for example.
- Integrate More Reflection and Introspection into Your Lifestyle
If we aspire to do more, then we must be more. Taking time to reflect is taking time to be. The more
effective we want to be in outer life, the more still and composed we need to be within.
Balance Mastery is the dynamic centering of our life to build resilience and to enhance effectiveness and fulfillment. Kevin Cashman
TIPS, TOOLS AND PRACTICES
Each issue of Conversations on Leadership and Life features recipes for conversation, helpful tools
and practices to help you create a sense of direction for yourself, your team, your organization and to take action to get where you want to go.
A wonderful resource for hurried, harried, worried people who are seeking relief from the pressures of
day-to-day life is the book, Stopping: How to Be Still When You Have to Keep Going by David Kundtz. The
simple technique of "Stopping" is specifically designed for people who are looking for an uncomplicated,
non-dogmatic yet effective way to cope with a too-busy life. He calls it "contemporary contemplation. "
Stopping is doing nothing for a definite period of time (one second to one month) in order to ensure
that when we do go, we go in the direction that we want. It keeps us from just reacting to the pace of our
lives, but helps us choose, moment by moment, what's best. Stopping is not running from life or avoiding
responsibility. It is having the courage to go precisely where your meaning and values lie and spend time
there. Stopping, according to Kundtz, has three levels based on length of time: Stillpoints, Stopovers, and Grinding Halts.
The way to begin to Stop is by practicing Stillpoints-the heart and soul of Stopping.
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STILLPOINT PRACTICE
A Stillpoint is Stopping quickly and doing nothing. It is used anytime, all the time, many times a day.
Stillpoints last a few seconds or a few minutes and are designed to take advantage of the unfilled moments in life such as sitting at a
stoplight or brushing your teeth. They are also useful in moments of stress: walking into an important meeting; when you know you
are going to be late for an appointment; during a disagreement.
Stillpoints
can and should be incorporated into your routine. They are brief interludes, quick respites, one minute breaks, breathers, lulls. And they are intentional and chosen for a specific purpose. A day with 15 Stillpoints will make you much more peaceful, satisfied, and calm, no matter how much you've had to do, how many people you've had to attend to, or how many fires you've had to put out.
What do you do during a Stillpoint? Stop, breathe, and remember.
Stop whatever you are doing, sit or stand, take a deep breath with your eyes open or closed, focus your attention
inward, and remember what you need to remember. The remembering part is very flexible; it can mean recalling a belief or event that
motivates you. It can also mean remember a prayer for strength, a message you need to hear at the moment like "you can do it." It can be
simply to ask yourself-"what brings me joy this day?"
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Many of us have been running all our lives. Practice stopping.
Thich Nhat Hahn, Peace Is Every Step
My colleague, Kate Ebner, and I designed and facilitated a workshop recently called "Keeping Our
Balance." Rather than focusing on time and stress management techniques as the way to gain control of
our lives (the client's original request), we explored the concept of Life Balance with participants and
practiced centering exercises. Most could describe what it is like to be imbalanced quite readily, identifying
pessimism in the domain of spirit, moodiness in the emotion domain, overwhelm in the mental domain and
low energy in the body, for example. Individuals examined what it felt like to come from a state of
centeredness in which they experience a healthy flow of energy and attention in all four domains. We
discovered that when we are balanced, we are not stationary. We are in a place of centered fluidity that lets
us go in any direction with ease and agility. Instead of striving to be in control, we are resilient and able to
respond to the inevitable ups and downs of our daily lives.
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A Simple Centering Exercise
Stand comfortably with your feet shoulder-width apart, one foot in front of the other. Have the back foot at
about a 50-degree angle to the front foot and face your head in the direction of the front foot. The knees are slightly bent and arms
hang to the side. Feel the contact of your feet to the floor, feel your legs accepting the weight of your torso, feel your back straight
without stiffness, and keep your chest and stomach relaxed, your vision open and accepting, and your weight evenly distributed between the left
and right legs. Stand in a way that is balanced from front to back, left to right, and top to bottom. To go through this process and
experience this as an embodied state is to feel yourself as a living center.
The Anatomy of Change - Richard Strozzi Heckler
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Beyond living and dreaming there is something more important: waking up.
Antonio Machado, Times Alone
Newsflash Could You Use a Little Luck?
A five-year study of healthy, productive 100 year olds reveals interesting principles about life balance.
Ninety-seven active people had mastered four common characteristics:
- Optimism: They tended to have a positive view of the past and future. There were not dominated by worry or negativity.
- Engagement: They were actively involved in life. They were not passive observers, allowing life to pass them by.
- Mobility: They stayed active physically.
- Adaptability: They had an extraordinary ability to stay balanced by adapting to and accepting change
and loss. Even though most of them had lost their families and friends, they still had a zest for living.
In Her Own Words
As a leadership and life coach, I support women and men who are struggling to meet the demands of their
busy lives. Tied to their Blackberries, lap-tops and cell phones, these are high-performing people striving to
keep their heads above water. Here is what one of the senior executives I work with wrote recently:
I have been feeling like I am living on a large inflatable raft. As soon as I plug up one hole, another one
appears. As soon as I focus my attention in one part of the raft that seems to be getting weak, another part
that once seemed strong begins getting weak. When these holes pop up at once I get dizzy trying to plug
them or address them appropriately. Everyone lives on a raft of sorts - it's what propels us through our life
and daily activities. If we don't pay attention to life's holes they run the risk of becoming tears or even larger
fissures! Stopping up the holes of my raft has been painful and difficult at times. I've sometimes wondered
if sinking would just be easier. I've learned though that I need long term solutions for my raft - even if it
means having a little less air and living a bit wobbly for a while. Sinking is no solution and actually takes
work. I've added a compass to my raft and am moving forward.
Books
Leadership from the Inside Out: Becoming a Leader for Life
by Kevin Cashman
Stopping: How to Be Still When You Have to Keep Going by David Kundtz
The Anatomy of Change: A Way to Move Through Life's Transitions
by Richard Strozzi Heckler
Flow:The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Nothing's Wrong: A Man's Guide to Managing His Feelings by David Kundtz
Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron
© 2005 Bette George & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved.
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or by an electronic means is granted, provided that it includes this notice: "Copyright 2004 by Bette George & Associates, Inc. From Conversations on Leadership and Life, an e-newsletter by Bette George, website: www.bettegeorge.com email: bette@bettegeorge.com."
Conversations on Leadership and Life is a bi-monthly e-newsletter written by Bette George of Bette George
& Associates. In each issue, Bette offers best practice tips and resources, innovative ideas and inspiration
to help you begin to create the change you want to see in yourself, your workplace, your community.
Privacy Policy: We take your privacy seriously. We will never share your personal information with any third party.
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